Danny 101

I believe 30 is the official age that a man turns from a sophisticated older guy to a dirty old man. Is that correct?

Uhh... can somebody explain to me why people get excited over that stuff? Luckily I had good company, but the game itself... wow.

And uhh... The Gators beat The Vols, bitches!

Kids, eat your veggies.

Over the course of his long and illustrious career, Danny has been dubbed the last remaining true connoisseur of fine scat. The New York Times once named him, "The world's forefront expert and appreciator of the nearly lost art of scat munching". Danny's contributions to the world of scat tasting have included numerous essays on new and rare techniques, a wonderful coffee table book titled, "Scat Delicacies from Around the World - An Illustrated Guide", the resurrection of ancient and nearly forgotten Chinese bowel exercises, and his most recent book, "Scat Propulsion for Maximum Force and Accuracy".

Danny now runs his own institute, a 3 week course designed for beginners and scat-munching veterans alike. He regularly organizes workshops for those who would like to take their scat munching to the next level, such at scat bathing, scat wrestling, and other feces-related niche pastimes. To book an appointment today, simply contact him directly through this site and he or one of his assistants will get back to you within two business days.

I'm happy to announce to my bretheren that I have given myself to a higher power. I have utterly transcended this most material of realms and now inhabit a higher plane, with a higher calling - to deny access the demons that once infected my mortal brain. No more will they stab their pitchforks into the fleshy surface membrane of my cerebrum. No longer will they torture me nightly with their harrowing forays into the gelatinous pool of cerebrospinal fluid that keeps my organ of consciousness moist. Nevermore will they possess my thoughts and force me to perform their evil deeds as if those evils were of my own accord. I am finally free to live the life of purity and sanctity for which I was destined. Praise Me.

I keep getting emails from people who put quotes from famous people in their signatures. Sometimes it could be a quote from renowned philosopher Donald Trump, while other times the quote might be attributed to some guy named Yeats. I thought this was an excellent idea, so I'm going to be including in all of my email signatures quotes from my personal role model, poetic master and lyrical wizard Pinhead. Examples include:

"Pain has a face. Allow me to show it to you."

"I . . . am . . . pain"

"Human dreams... such fertile ground for the seeds of torment."

"You think your nighttime world is closed to me? Your mind is so naked. A book that yearns to be read. A door that begs to be opened."

"Down the dark decades of your pain, this will seem like a memory of Heaven."

"Your suffering will be legendary, even in hell!"

"But please, feel free, explore. We have eternity to know your flesh."

"It is not hands that summon us. It is desire."

"Explorers in the further regions of experience. Demons to some. Angels to others."

"We have such sights to show you!"

"Do I look like some one who cares what God thinks?"

"You solved the box, we came, Now you must come with us. Taste our pleasures."

"You show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a Communist plot."

This is Part 2 of my "Kill the Television" series. I'll be performing lectures and teaching workshops with a megaphone each weekend on the corner of East and 2nd.

"Television Is Bad Parenting"

If you found that title offensive, it's likely that you're a bad parent. So now that the offense is out of the way, we can move on.

If you're a parent, or might become one, please don't glaze over yet. Hear me out.

It all starts with evolution. Because of evolution, humans are social creatures - a necessity for survival when you don't have venomous fangs or claws. In order to work as teams, our ancestors were forced to develop a collective agreement on what's real, what is right and wrong, what's important in life, and what's best for mankind. Those agreements are, to some degree, built into our nature, but with development of technology there comes a time when we should stop and reassess the ways in which we've been programmed.

Consider the work of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a research psychologist, regarding what he refers to as "Flow". Flow is the same as what athletes would call being in the zone. You're facing a challenge, and although your skills are up to the job, it requires total and absolute concentration. Every ounce of your attention is on the task at hand, because distractions could mean failure. Csikszentmihalyi found that people feel best about themselves and most satisfied with their lives when they experience this state on a regular basis. Anyone who has ever achieved this state of mind (which is most of us) can attest to its effects, but most of us don't know how to achieve it at will.

Csikszentmihalyi's research has only uncovered one solid way to accomplish this, and that is to constantly challenge yourself, and to constantly improve.

So it seems that the optimal state of man occurs when he is constantly striving for improvement, as individuals and as a species . . . constantly pushing himself, constantly raising the bar, facing new challenges, accumulating knowledge and wisdom, and improving. A life of ease and comfort is probably what most people are aiming for, but studies have consistently shown that people are least content with their lives when they're doing passive activities, like watching the television. People enjoy life when they're doing something meaningful. You might enjoy watching your favorite shows, but when you weigh that against the things you could be achieving with the television off, the comparison is clear.

Here's my personal experience:

Several years ago, I moved into a new place and decided for the immediate future to forsake my cable television. It was supposed to be temporary. I had a lot to get done, and had to stay focused. I didn't want any distractions.

I assumed it would be tough and that I would be ordering cable in a matter of days, but I was wrong. For a day or so I wasn't sure what to do other than to make some music. So I sat in my home studio and worked for days straight. At first I would get tired after a while and want to take a break . . . and I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to stop the momentum; I just didn't have the energy left. So I stared at a wall until finally I got bored and went back in the studio. When I left the house, at least a small piece of my mind would always be looking for inspiration. I bought a digital voice recorder so that I could record ideas any time they came to me. Within a few weeks I had a collection of ideas so extensive that I'll never be able to finish them all.

This is my point: Removing the single largest offender of time waste creates a vacuum that has to be filled. You're not going to stare at the wall forever, and neither will your child. Your mind will get bored and look for ideas, and soon you'll be doing something different to fill your time. Whatever that thing is, surely it will be better for you than televegetating. If it happens to be something productive, that's even better.

Would anybody possibly disagree with the opinion that mankind would be better off if we lived our lives in this way, constantly learning and creating challenges rather than sitting in front of the television? If we agree on that much, then how can you possibly justify putting your child in front of a television set? Do you think that if your child has no television, he or she won't find something else to do? Maybe when deprived of television, children will go out and play with some friends. Maybe they'll get some exercise. Maybe children will begin reading books, like they used to do in ancient times. They may want to take some lessons in something. Maybe they'll do some thinking.

I'm not saying this is all without risk, though . . . it may force you to spend more time with them.

I hope everybody got some poontang* to bring in the New Year!

* Bad word for pussy

Oh Anna Nicole... Why did you have to die so young? Your skin was still so smooth, your breasts so large and firm. You were as thin as an anorexic teenage cheerleader. Your face was permanently molded into that camera-ready smile. Surely you were in good health.

But alas, it's true. Anna Nicole Smith has passed away at the age of 39.

Yet, as enormous an impact that her passing will undoubtedly have on the world, there is an even bigger story - that there is no other news today. Nothing else important happened. At least, nothing nearly so important as Anna's death.

CNN has devoted the day to her death. As I watch, reporters and news personalities are listening in their earpieces for updates and talking urgently every time there is something new to report. Giant "BREAKING NEWS" graphics are splashing across the screen. Scheduled guests on Larry King Live were booted instantly to make room for Anna Nicole Smith to be covered for the entire show.

They're not stopping there. No single human life will pass unnoticed. For the next 274 years, CNN will devote each and every day to one of the 100,000 Iraqi civilians who have died because of the US invasion.

Let us just hope that the world can recover from this grave loss to humankind.